Falling backwards into destiny

 What would I do, if I were free 

To see all the different versions of me

I never want to be

Flip through the channels

Of could have been

And never was

Just because

I wanted to be seen

The me I didn't know

I wouldn't show 

Because I was afraid

And I didn't know how to let go

I think because of how I tried to hold on

And how it burned my hands

My heart 

My soul

But which decisions would leave me whole?

I don't know 

All I had to do was guess 

A roll of the dice 

And jump backwards into destiny 

Just you and me

 

You see so many times

In the movies, how they say good bye

When you live, and write, create, entertain

You know the right words live in your brain

But the moment comes 

It's far too real 

That no words and capsulate 

Quite how you feel 

You say I love you 

I'll miss you 

Goodbye 

And all the rest leaves your mind 

As you start to cry 

I'm glad I knew you

I got to love you

I got to smile when

I'm thinking of you

I got to live next to you

There with you

For the time we were given

I'm grateful

Even though I'm sad 

At the times we had 

Like broken rungs on a ladder, these wishes stack

But I know these are times I'm never getting back

And as we bury you

I bury too

The parts of you I knew

Because every soul, every set of eyes 

Will realize, a different aspect of our lives 

Each perception of two hearts shared 

Means something unique for every two lives paired 

And I'm glad, though I'm sad, of the times that we had

That we shared, a journey

Of just you and me

Every Tender Moment

 Every tender moment, I’ve experienced, or thought I knew

Coalesced and distilled, into the shape my heart holds for you Every swelling in my chest, that makes me so happy I could cry I behold in your little smile when you look me in the eye And holding you is completion, this little angel entrusted to me To arm with love, knowledge and strength, to face your destiny I wish this could be forever, this innocent joy of mine That I could hold you close and love you, from now till the end of time I never knew it would feel like this To be so happy that it hurts To introduce you to this life To a whole new world of firsts Your little hand around my finger Like my heart wrapped around yours Every fiber of my being Focused on how much I adore Every moment you are with me And how I never really knew How full my life would be The moment I held you

When You're Gone

 I don’t want to say good bye ever again.

To turn a corner and not be able to see you

To reach you

In case the unthinkable happens

In case this world tries to hurt you, to take you…

I don’t want to not be there

To throw myself in front of that harm

To use my flesh and bones to shield you from the dangers of this world

That every day seems to grow more dangerous

More frightening

More uncertain…

I can’t imagine why anyone would ever want to hurt you little one

Yet it happens far too often

To ignore

To hope

To believe it couldn’t happen to you

I would scorch the flesh from my bones before I let you come to harm

And that is why I never want to walk away

That my heart clinches every time a door closes

And you are on the other side

For then I open the door to your room

And imagine knowing you’re never coming back to it

And the fracturing, burning, unfathomable emptiness opens up inside me

I fall to my knees, cradling your stuffed bear

And imagine that terror and pain

And the guilt that I wasn’t there…

Never Got to Say Good Bye

 I never got to see you
Once more before you left forever
One thing that I’ve learned is true
Is life is as uncertain as the weather

They say that death is not the end
And each end brings us to something new
But I wanted to talk with you again
And now that’s something that I’ll never do

I don’t know why you were away so long
Or what you even did while you were there
And I’ll never know now that you’re gone
I won’t waste my breath to say this ain’t fair

I’m sad for all the time we lost
Chapters in each other’s lives we never read
Despite wishes, summer always turns to frost
And I’ll never get more gold from this lead

For I never got to see you
Once more before you left forever
And one thing that I’ve learned is true
Is life is as uncertain as the weather

Gone in Winter

 You know when they are gone

The world sighs, and seems just a few degrees colder

There’s an emptiness in the air around

 

It ever seems too long

And the grief is too much to shoulder

The creeping cold of oldest memory will soon surround

 

All the words will never be said

Just as all the moments are never lost

From waking until we lay down to bed

Our thoughts so still amongst the seeping frost

 

A time to remember, a time to reflect

A time to move on, and maybe forget

Time cascading down the cornice 

The icicles reaching low

Among the onding, our souls listless 

Time finally begins to slow

 

In the cold there is a stillness

But in times of loss, its stiller still

Staring out into the fog, in our minds and beyond

For although night outside is silent

Our hearts are anything but calm

 

And in the fog our thoughts are scattered

As they attempt to reconvene

Between anxiety, sadness and the anger

Or lost in the frazil in between

 

As we rest our head against the window pane

These tears that stain our face with pain

And beyond that window in the falling snow

As the snow turns to rain and in the frost to ice again

A moment’s clarity we get to know

 

That they are with us now, as they we ever

From the beginning of our memories, into forever

As old as the firns, as eternal as the skies

The exquisite ache of love now past wells up

Til it escapes our eyes

 

Then the sweetest sadness warms us like vapor

Love’s steam upon an aching soul

That piece of us is gone forever

But these missing pieces, they make us whole

My Baby Girl

 Every tender moment, I’ve experienced, or thought I knew

Coalesced and distilled, into the shape my heart holds for you

Every swelling in my chest, that makes me so happy I could cry

I behold in your little smile when you look me in the eye

And holding you is completion, this little angel entrusted to me

To arm with love, knowledge and strength, to face your destiny

I wish this could be forever, this innocent joy of mine

That I could hold you close and love you, from now till the end of time

I never knew it would feel like this

To be so happy that it hurts

To introduce you to this life

To a whole new world of firsts

Your little hand around my finger

Like my heart wrapped around yours

Every fiber of my being

Focused on how much I adore

Every moment you are with me

And how I never really knew

How full my life would be

The moment I held you